I don’t really know why I stopped blogging but I’m back again to share my awfully conflicted lifestyle choices with you. I need to come up with a theme or general guide line of what I’m going to write about so that its not ridiculous and annoying and all over the place. I’m not really sure how or what but I’ll figure it out.
This 30 day thing isn’t working out but eventually I’ll tell 30 different stories.
The past two summers I’ve been a lifeguard and its super fun. At the end of this last summer our guard party was super cool. It was basically a bunch of cool people I spent the whole summer with getting drunk in or cars and then having the whole pool to ourselves after hours. The manager was one of my best friends, and then I was basically in love with like 3 of the hot lifeguards. I showed up to the party kind of late but when I did the first thing that happened was my friend handed me a bag of weed candy and told me to eat one. Then I was told to go out to a car to get me a mixed drink. After a while I was feeling pretty good and decided I was going to change into a swim suit to get in the pool. We did all kinds of crazy shit off the diving boards and slide. Once it started to get dark we went into the guard room and played cards against humanity. It was fun, they were good people and I loved spending my summer with them. I was faded by like 8 o’clock.
After the party had ended I needed to go to Walmart to get some lace pantyhose for a party. I was crying my eyes out and god knows why. I called my friend and I was just crying probably because I’m a lonely bitch or something. But I went home and fixed my makeup and changed my outfit to go to a CEO’s and office hoes party. I was kind of sobered up by then and went and picked up my friend Nikki. We went to the party and it was a lot of fun. I took a picture with the cutest guy. I don’t know what his name is and the picture doesn’t even show his full face but I didn’t care, I was feeling myself in that outfit and I was feeling him too. Needless to say despite my mini melt down it was a good day.
Okay so I already suck and missed a day but I’m fixing it. My second story is going to be about the day I caught the feels for that shitty guy Trey. The only problem is he isn’t actually that shitty.
I remember exactly what made completely insanely attached to this boy. I doubt he even remembers this but I do. We had been hooking up for two or three weeks before this happened. I met Trey the weekend before my first week of college.
Lets back it up to about 6 or 7. I was with my friend Karen we went to the same high school and both were going to go to the same college. By like 9 I was irritated with her, I don’t remember why but I was on my period so that probably had something to do with it. Anyway I took her home and after I stopped by Walgreen’s to pick up a pack of water bottles because after the dining hall closed for the day I was dehydrated as fuck. I then stopped at loaf n jug for who knows what. By the time I got back to my dorm and changed into some comfy shorts and a baggy t-shirt my roommates who I barely knew had bought some Mike’s hard lemonade and were playing a game called kings cup. I felt as if they hated me, I was so left out. After a few minutes they invited me for some roommate bonding, I’m just dramatic. Lucky me I got the kings cup, not that I wasn’t already slamming a bunch of drinks anyway. We got pretty drunk and went around all the dorms doing silly little shenanigans. It was fun. That was the start of our good roommate relationships.
Around 11 or 12 Trey texted me asking me to come over to his apartment. I was hesitant at first. But I was straight up with him. I told him I was on my period and that we couldn’t hook up. I also told him it was okay if he didn’t want me to come over still. He insisted that I come over anyway, that we could just watch Netflix and hang out. I was drunk. Like very drunk. Anyway his apartment is down the block from the dorms. I didn’t even have to cross a street. So I drove over going literally 10 mph. I’m still mad at myself for that but It happened. I got out of the car and my head was spinning. I had to sit down, so what do I do? I sat on the ground in the middle of the parking lot. He called wondering where I was and came out to meet me. He laughed then sat down next to me, and let me lay my head on his lap. I apologized about 15 times for being so damn drunk. Once I was capable of seeing and walking we went up to his apartment. The awful apartment 210 (I’m sure you’ll here about a lot of stories from this apartment). He made some taquitos for us even though I was too drunk to eat without throwing it all up, so I just didn’t eat any. When I went to his room he was watching That 70’s show. He handed me the remote and told me to put on what I wanted watch. I put it on One Tree Hill. We cuddled and made out a little but I probably fell asleep right away. It was nice just sleeping over with him.
That’s basically it. That was the turning point, the moment that I realized I really liked this boy. Its dumb. Its meaningless. But I can’t forget it.
The first story I’m going to tell you is the main reason I don’t use Facebook anymore.
Okay so lets throw it all the way back to my sophomore year of high school which was like 2013 I think. Not only did I get ISS (in school suspension) but I was sent home and almost banned from home coming. I don’t think I did anything wrong personally, she deserved it and I was just sticking up for myself. Well it started about 3 days before at a football game. I was wearing some cute ombre shorts they weren’t the longest but believe me there was no cheek hanging out but this girl Amanda was so concerned she had to run her mouth about me during the whole football game. So a few days go by and its hoco week at school so I dressed up for a spirit day wearing a different pair of shorts, and I cant remember why but apparently my outfit of choice offended her. She even posted about it on Facebook. I remember the status being along the lines of ‘maybe people wouldn’t call you a whore if you wore shorts longer than your vagina.’ Let me tell you, this girl was never very nice. I tried to confront her in the hallway two separate times. The first time she just walked away and the second time she told our security guard I was trying to fight her which is NOT TRUE whatsoever. So I angrily made a status calling her out about a video she sent to some guy a while back and I made the mistake of tagging her in it. About 20 minutes later the security guard John came and pulled me from class and took me to the office. We both sat in front of the principal where I basically just got my ass chewed out. He printed out the very graphic and mean statuses we made toward each other and gave them to my mom. It was so embarrassing, the things she said were awful and not even completely true. But my principal was my pal so he let us both off without cyber bullying tickets, which bless up for that one. To this day I don’t post anything besides the occasional selfie or share a funny video. It was a lesson learned, and I’ve grown a lot since then. I wasn’t in the best of places at the time and I’m not proud but hey, 15 year old girls can’t really help it.
I’ve been inspired by someone I consider to be one of the coolest people I’ve ever met to do a 30 day writing challenge. She is doing it for a class but also on her tumblr, and blog. Everyday for 30 days she is going to write a letter to someone, and I considered doing the same thing but instead I’m going to write 30 days of stories. Good, bad, sad and real. Some will be short and some won’t be. And if you’re interested I’d recommend doing your own 30 day challenge of whatever it is you like to do.
Yeah so… Everything with Eddy came to a halt. It was good for a few days and then I don’t know what happened. I got annoyed with him and well I let his step brother go down on me. At least one brother could get his dick up for me, right? I also accidentally made out with Carter in his kitchen too. Since things aren’t quite working out in my favor I think I’ve been a bit boy crazy. One of the first boys that I really ever started having casual sex with Zeke, and I have been talking again. But I do know this for sure, Zeke is bad news. He’s nice to me and treats me better than the rest of the guys but I know that he is kind of a piece of shit when it comes to drugs and alcohol. Its something I shouldn’t get involved with but his fuzzy hand cuffs really get me going.
Some good news is I got my old job back so I guess I’m kind of getting my shit together. I also have been taking my brother to school and picking him up so I’ve had some real responsibilities lately.
This all really isn’t as bad as it seems. I need to figure out what the fuck I’m doing though.
OH YEAH, HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!
Now that I’m past all that Carter bullshit I feel more vulnerable than ever. I feel like I’m in a place that I don’t want to be. I spent my whole first semester of college letting a guy fuck me over constantly. His name was Tim but that’s a whole other story for a different time. But to tell you the truth I really just wanted to feel like someone cared about me and I want that again. I’m done with Carter I resent him too much for ruining a friendship for me. I really have no left over feelings for him and that’s great. With that being said I met a cute guy and I want to lick every inch of him. He has a great personality too like I don’t know I think he might be too good to be true. Nothing ever lasts. I don’t know why he would be interested in me anyway. Oh wait I forgot the best part, he’s friends with Carter. I wish I would’ve met him sooner.
Alright so I didn’t just meet Eddy. I’ve seen him around a few times and we have a ton of friends in common but I never really talked to him. I just thought he was cute but like everyone does so obviously I wasn’t going to approach him first, I’m just not that type of person. He works at the same restaurant as Carter, that’s how they met. fantastic right? Last week one of my best friends Nikki and I went to eat and Eddy happened to be working. We sat in the bar area because you seat yourself in that section. They are friends so he came over to talk to us multiple times and it just made me nervous and awkward. I can’t talk to anyone I find super attractive because my anxiety sky rockets and I just get all weird and can’t talk, its bad. One of Eddy’s friends Nate who is talking to Nikki came over and talked to us. He told us that Eddy suggested the four of us hang out sometime. I literally died inside. I was so happy.
Fast forward to the weekend, on Saturday night Nikki, Molly and some of my other friends and I drove out into the county for a bonfire. It was LAME. Nikki, Molly and I left at the first chance we got. Molly ended the night early and went to her boyfriend’s house. I don’t blame her we did a whole lot of nothing. Nikki and I hung out with Eddy and some other guys it was ok. By the time Nikki wanted to go home I was a little drunk. I had been drinking Tequila since 4pm. I have a slight drinking problem okay. Anyway Eddy was nice enough to take her home in my car. After we sat in my car and talked for hours. Just talking the conversation was nice. He’s such a good guy. We talked until almost 5am. It was late so he said he was going to go home and that was okay with me because again it was like 5 in the morning. He couldn’t just get out of my car and go though. He had to kiss me and at that moment I was like I NEED YOU. He actually isn’t that good of a kisser but its okay because it wasn’t all sloppy and gross it was just a little more delicate for my liking. We moved from my car to his truck and made out some more. It very much so progressed from just making out. We didn’t have sex. Believe me, I wanted to. This is so embarrassing but I read enough Cosmo to know that I’m not the only person it’s happened to. HE COULDN’T GET HARD.
Every ounce of confidence I already don’t have flew straight out the door. I felt ugly. I felt disgusting. He said it wasn’t me. He said he didn’t want to rush things. He said he wasn’t ready because he was only broken up with his girlfriend of 2 years for about a month an a half. I was crushed. I have to be understanding to his feelings too. I quickly put my clothes on and got out of the car. He kept apologizing and I just wanted him to stop. As soon as I got into my car I busted out in tears. I broke down, it finally hit me. I’ve been in a shitty place for some time now but I don’t like to cry. My drunk disappointed self couldn’t manage anymore I guess. He messaged me once he got home only to apologize about a hundred times. He told me he really liked talking to a girl like me but it wasn’t the right time or place. I agree.
We still talk and he is seriously great. I just don’t want to get ahead of myself and think that he actually wants me. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to fall for him and him not feel the same. I can’t expect anything from him, he said his ex treated him like shit and that he’s finally done with it. I’m going to try to do this without catching feelings but I can already tell you I’m setting myself up for failure.
I’m still stuck with the question of, is he a nice guy or am I just ugly?