Netflix and TREY

Okay so I already suck and missed a day but I’m fixing it. My second story is going to be about the day I caught the feels for that shitty guy Trey. The only problem is he isn’t actually that shitty.

I remember exactly what made completely insanely attached to this boy. I doubt he even remembers this but I do. We had been hooking up for two or three weeks before this happened. I met Trey the weekend before my first week of college.

Lets back it up to about 6 or 7. I was with my friend Karen we went to the same high school and both were going to go to the same college. By like 9 I was irritated with her, I don’t remember why but I was on my period so that probably had something to do with it. Anyway I took her home and after I stopped by Walgreen’s to pick up a pack of water bottles because after the dining hall closed for the day I was dehydrated as fuck. I then stopped at loaf n jug for who knows what.  By the time I got back to my dorm and changed into some comfy shorts and a baggy t-shirt my roommates who I barely knew had bought some Mike’s hard lemonade and were playing a game called kings cup. I felt as if they hated me, I was so left out. After a few minutes they invited  me for some roommate  bonding, I’m just dramatic. Lucky me I got the kings cup, not that I wasn’t already slamming a bunch of drinks anyway. We got pretty drunk and went around all the dorms doing silly little shenanigans. It was fun. That was the start of our good roommate relationships.

Around 11 or 12 Trey texted me asking me to come over to his apartment. I was hesitant at first. But I was straight up with him. I told him I was on my period and that we couldn’t hook up. I also told him it was okay if he didn’t want me to come over still. He insisted that I come over anyway, that we could just watch Netflix and hang out. I was drunk. Like very drunk. Anyway his apartment is down the block from the dorms. I didn’t even have to cross a street. So I drove over going literally 10 mph. I’m still mad at myself for that but It happened. I got out of the car and my head was spinning. I had to sit down, so what do I do? I sat on the ground in the middle of the parking lot. He called wondering where I was and came out to meet me. He laughed then sat down next to me, and let me lay my head on his lap. I apologized about 15 times for being so damn drunk. Once I was capable of seeing and walking we went up to his apartment. The awful apartment 210 (I’m sure you’ll here about a lot of stories from this apartment). He made some taquitos for us even though I was too drunk to eat without throwing it all up, so I just didn’t eat any. When I went to his room he was watching That 70’s show. He handed me the remote and told me to put on what I wanted watch. I put it on One Tree Hill. We cuddled and made out a little  but I probably fell asleep right away. It was nice just sleeping over with him.

That’s basically it. That was the turning point, the moment that I realized I really liked this boy. Its dumb. Its meaningless. But I can’t forget it.


Well he’s not nice but neither am I

Yeah so… Everything with Eddy came to a halt. It was good for a few days and then I don’t know what happened. I got annoyed with him and well I let his step brother go down on me. At least one brother could get his dick up for me, right? I also accidentally made out with Carter in his kitchen too. Since things aren’t quite working out in my favor I think I’ve been a bit boy crazy. One of the first boys that I really ever started having casual sex with Zeke, and I have been talking again. But I do know this for sure, Zeke is bad news. He’s nice to me and treats me better than the rest of the guys but I know that he is kind of a piece of shit when it comes to drugs and alcohol. Its something I shouldn’t get involved with but his fuzzy hand cuffs really get me going.

Some good news is I got my old job back so I guess I’m kind of getting my shit together. I also have been taking my brother to school and picking him up so I’ve had some real responsibilities lately.

This all really isn’t as bad as it seems. I need to figure out what the fuck I’m doing though.


Is he a nice guy or am I just ugly?

Now that I’m past all that Carter bullshit I feel more vulnerable than ever. I feel like I’m in a place that I don’t want to be. I spent my whole first semester of college letting a guy fuck me over constantly. His name was Tim but that’s a whole other story for a different time. But to tell you the truth I really just wanted to feel like someone cared about me and I want that again. I’m done with Carter I resent him too much for ruining a friendship for me. I really have no left over feelings for him and that’s great. With that being said I met a cute guy and I want to lick every inch of him. He has a great personality too like I don’t know I think he might be too good to be true. Nothing ever lasts. I don’t know why he would be interested in me anyway. Oh wait I forgot the best part, he’s friends with Carter. I wish I would’ve met him sooner.

Alright so I didn’t just meet Eddy. I’ve seen him around a few times and we have a ton of friends in common but I never really talked to him. I just thought he was cute but like everyone does so obviously I wasn’t going to approach him first, I’m just not that type of person. He works at the same restaurant as Carter, that’s how they met. fantastic right? Last week one of my best friends Nikki and I went to eat and Eddy happened to be working. We sat in the bar area because you seat yourself in that section. They are friends so he came over to talk to us multiple times and it just made me nervous and awkward. I can’t talk to anyone I find super attractive because my anxiety sky rockets and I just get all weird and can’t talk, its bad. One of Eddy’s friends Nate who is talking to Nikki came over and talked to us. He told us that Eddy suggested the four of us hang out sometime. I literally died inside. I was so happy.

Fast forward to the weekend, on Saturday night Nikki, Molly and some of my other friends and I drove out into the county for a bonfire. It was LAME. Nikki, Molly and I left at the first chance we got. Molly ended the night early and went to her boyfriend’s house. I don’t blame her we did a whole lot of nothing. Nikki and I hung out with Eddy and some other guys it was ok. By the time Nikki wanted to go home I was a little drunk. I had been drinking Tequila since 4pm. I have a slight drinking problem okay. Anyway Eddy was nice enough to take her home in my car. After we sat in my car and talked for hours. Just talking the conversation was nice. He’s such a good guy. We talked until almost 5am. It was late so he said he was going to go home and that was okay with me because again it was like 5 in the morning. He couldn’t just get out of my car and go though. He had to kiss me and at that moment I was like I NEED YOU. He actually isn’t that good of a kisser but its okay because it wasn’t all sloppy and gross it was just a little more delicate for my liking. We moved from my car to his truck and made out some more. It very much so progressed from just making out. We didn’t have sex. Believe me, I wanted to. This is so embarrassing but I read enough Cosmo to know that I’m not the only person it’s happened to. HE COULDN’T GET HARD.

Every ounce of confidence I already don’t have flew straight out the door. I felt ugly. I felt disgusting. He said it wasn’t me. He said he didn’t want to rush things. He said he wasn’t ready because he was only broken up with his girlfriend of 2 years for about a month an a half. I was crushed. I have to be understanding to his feelings too. I quickly put my clothes on and got out of the car. He kept apologizing and I just wanted him to stop. As soon as I got into my car I busted out in tears. I broke down, it finally hit me. I’ve been in a shitty place for some time now but I don’t like to cry. My drunk disappointed self couldn’t manage anymore I guess. He messaged me once he got home only to apologize about a hundred times. He told me he really liked talking to a girl like me but it wasn’t the right time or place. I agree.

We still talk and he is seriously great. I just don’t want to get ahead of myself and think that he actually wants me. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to fall for him and him not feel the same. I can’t expect anything from him, he said his ex treated him like shit and that he’s finally done with it. I’m going to try to do this without catching feelings but I can already tell you I’m setting myself up for failure.

I’m still stuck with the question of, is he a nice guy or am I just ugly?

Is it really worth it?

The I have a story to tell and this is the story that made me create this blog. It was the inspiration in combination with reading something about blogs at about the same time all this shit went down. But here’s the thing, a few days ago when I first wanted to tell this story it would’ve been told in a completely different manner. It would have been full of anger and spite, although now I’m more confused than ever. And I’m going to continue to be confused until I feel like dealing with shit which probably won’t happen for a while. Here is some background info. I moved cities for my first semester of college and sadly after winter break I decided to move home. Most of my friends from high school didn’t even talk to me anymore, I haven’t spoken to many of them in month. With that being said last weekend one of my “best friends” Annie texted me about a party that another one of my friends was having. She only texted me because she knew I was going and she needed a ride.

I started the day hung over as all hell from thirsty Thursday so I had already decided that I could have a fun sober night. I WAS WRONG I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN DRUNK. I laid around all day until about seven or so when I went over to Annie’s place so we could catch up on our lives since we basically hadn’t talked in months. I asked her about the new boys in her life and she told me about the guys (there are multiple) that she is talking to now and she asks me about the guys in my life. I debated whether or not I should tell her anything at all but I went for it anyway. I mostly told her about this guy Carter.

Carter and I had slept together randomly starting way back maybe sophomore year of high school. Once I moved back for winter break he hit me up, I was bored so I went over to his apartment. We both knew what it was and we both just wanted to get laid. The sex was good and it was kind of fun sneaking around his apartment so his roommates wouldn’t know.We decided to just be fuck buddies again and continued sleeping together and it was all fine and dandy until one night he told me to sleep over. I would usually go home after we finished our business but not this time. I’m not a big fan of staying over night anywhere, I’d rather sleep in my own bed. That night we fucked then cuddled and then did it again and it was oddly satisfying. We slept in super late and all he said before I left was “My bed is so comfy huh?” After that it was fine until one day after we fucked we actually hung out. He even suggested we see a movie or something. I freaked out a little on the inside and left. I couldn’t tell you a single thing about his personality. We don’t talk we just have sex. But after that night I felt weird about it all. I couldn’t tell if I was starting to like him or if I was getting bored. I want a boyfriend but he’s not boyfriend material and I don’t think I could see myself with him.

I bet you’re wondering what any of that has to do with Annie, right? Well I told her all that stuff but mostly about how I got that weird feeling. I didn’t think I cared about him that much and I still say I don’t but what I did next makes me crazy and kinda means I do care about him. Here’s the catch, Annie and Carter use to talk, they even went to prom together. Its funny I have a picture of all three of us, we were in the same group. She didn’t say anything about Carter and I, she actually encouraged me she said he was a good guy. Fast forward to about midnight when Annie and Carter leave together. She also told him that I was starting to have a crush on him and all kinds of bullshit. I didn’t care that she left with him but I cared that she didn’t tell me.

The next night, Saturday Carter was going out-of-town to see the UFC fight and his roommates one of which being a really close friend were having a party. I went and so did Annie. My best friend Molly made me promise to be nice. And at that moment I turned around and scream, “So Annie who’d ya leave with last night?” It made her sad and she left right away. She didn’t try to text me or talk to me at all before that. I was so hurt, I  thought we were friends.

Come Sunday evening she texted me and we started to argue. I just don’t know why if she had a problem with Carter and I she didn’t tell me right when I told her. I would’ve cut everything off right then. This argument got ridiculous and hurtful. She was angry that she cared about him and I didn’t. I wasn’t going to admit that, that wasn’t true. But how is it fair that she “cares” about like 17 different guys. NEWS FLASH YOU CANT HAVE ALL OF THEM YOU HAVE TO PICK ONE.

To wrap things up Carter and I talked things out and then fucked, he called it makeup sex. This all helped me realize that all he’s good for is sex but I’m also sad that I lost a good friend. Like really sad. That leaves me with the question, is it really worth it?


Quick thought

Personally I think everyone has their priorities messed up and expectations that are impossible to achieve. No one is realistic in what they want anymore. Its never enough. I think that society is changing in a way that’s unexplainable. For example, dating isn’t just plain old black & white, girl meets guy and falls in love happily ever after anymore. I couldn’t even begin to explain to my grandmother that no, were not dating but we fuck regularly and claim to not care about each other but low-key we do and neither of us want to get hurt but in the end the one who is willing to admit it first is the one going to be hurt. Its just too complicated and idiotic. And with dating apps like tinder anything and I mean anything is possible. I have friends who found the love of their life using the app, along with friends who use the app to have sex with everyone that’s as down as they are. I myself have the app just to swipe on cute boys. I’m not completely set on the idea of meeting someone over the internet, but I’m not against it either. Dating in 2017 is weird.